She’s Just Not a Keeper- Perils and Pitfalls of the New Dating Scene & Debut of New Single "
Winter Walk"
Everyone says “There’s Plenty of Fish in the sea”, like you’re responsible for proving it, you’ve been thrust into the highly cynical singles ocean once again. It’s not like you haven’t tried to avoid it by not doing your share of proposing, (God knows my record shows 3 marriages and 3 divorces), but as with marriage divorces take two people so when one or the other partner calls it quits and your thrown back into the fishing pond, you might thank me for my advice.
Perhaps in the dating world I am now like one of those disgruntled customers at Wallmart returning something that was broken in the packages, or wasn’t to my liking for one reason or the other, but it seems to me there’s a lot more articles in the dating world about “finding Mr. Right” and recognizing his qualities then “Finding Ms. Right” and recognizing hers, which is why I decided to put a few thoughts down on the subject myself.
Ok, first things first “do your own inventory”. If you can dot our “I’s” and cross your own “T’s” as far as representing yourself well on a date meaning: 1)Your actually divorced; 2) You have a job; 3)Your not a psycho by the definition that harangued your X’s ; 4)You’re a gentlemen ; 5) You actually care about something else besides yourself; 6) You’ve showered and straightened yourself up and know how to reasonably dress; 7) You’ve made the effort in getting out; 8) found someone attractive; 9) you’ve actually got that first date behind you now; 10) let’s take a look in your fishing effort at what you actually have on your hook because not everything that wounds up on your hook is a keeper.
Like fishing, dating in your 30’s, 40’s can be very discouraging and while I don’t have any experience in dating in what will be my future decades, I can’t imagine it being much different than my own fishing experiences now -sometimes you get skunked and sometimes you bring home a nice catch. I can only really dish out my advice from my own experiences of which I am an expert and to some degree with my BA in Psychology, am an authority at the very least, to myself.
The Resume
I’ve been single now four years but I really haven’t dated much. Understanding that just getting through a divorce you didn’t actually file counts as “pre-existing condition” you are going to have to explain to your date sooner or later can be as painful as a trip to the Dentist who didn’t quite numb up that nerve under the molar he’s drilling on, as much as you would have appreciated.
It may be a little cliché, but time heals all wounds and when you can go out and speak well of your past, your X spouse, you might be getting close to being good company again. It’s also your right to reasonable expect the same from her. You know dog-gone well, she didn’t marry him because he was a jerk, never spent a dime on her, and was the equivalent of what you’d call “a bad dog”, because you and I both know God didn’t make a bad dog.
Beware of women who want too much of a resume, and don’t feel like you have to give your whole resume. I actually have a biography available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble, and I don’t think I’ve ever gone on a date with a woman who’s actually read it. Not judging someone by their past can be as important as not judging a book by its cover. Keeping painful things light and funny on a first few dates might take you some work, but if your date has turned into a counseling session and she’s in tears over “what was done to her” count it as a sign she needs a lot more of the healing time alone..alone …alone.
She’s a Gold Digger
Its not a stretch to say no one wants to be “liked” just for money., but it’s also not a stretch to say especially as we get older, that her attraction to you may have something to do with your ability to take care of her. I’ve met my share of gold diggers who want to see a 5 year history of tax returns and all your business records.
On the flip side, I’ve approached ladies who thought I was wealthy and seen a real disdain from them caused by a history of their own past marriages from husbands who thought they could buy them or have their way with them based on the fact they wanted “security”.
Of course all that glitters isn’t always gold and that is definitely true with a balance and an appreciation for what you do and what you pay for. Money is said to be the cause of 90% of divorces in one way shape or form, so while you’re paying I’m just saying, look for a balance in her and a genuine appreciation for your hard earned dough.
Paranoia will Destroy Ya
We have to remember that “security” to the female is the number one natural instinct all of her senses are geared around. 60% of all divorces are not filed by women who don’t come out on top or didn’t think it through and imagine how that war was going to be fought anyway before you had a clue.
With the internet dating map at every female fingertip, rest assured your past is not secret. Count on the fact she’s nosed around your past, your social networks, so feel free to do the same. Some guys think that’s taboo for some reason like it’s not fair, not being gentlemen, or being too intrusive. Believe me, when it comes to being ‘nosey’ if we did all we could do we still wouldn’t have mastered that game as she has. You’ve heard it said, “ Alls fair in love and war”, but guys are often still working with one arm tied behind their back when it comes to ‘love’ in the dating scene.
Chances are if she decided to go out with you more than one time she’s either using you as a meal ticket, or she’s actually got past your past and you have a good prospect to reel in.
In the new world of dating I’ve noticed some of the traditional trust has been shattered. Women much more prefer now days to “meet” someone at a restaurant rather than have you pick her up. While that may work for a first couple of meetings, if she keeps up on that you may be dealing with someone who’s so paranoid and delusional about her safety she has ‘trust’ issues that need professional counseling.
If she doesn’t trust herself, her detective skills on the internet, her own instincts when you’ve been a gentlemen obviously you’ve had a couple of successful encounters and conversations, you may have the KGB across from you at the table. Security never loosens up in the marriage it often tightens.
She was so busy looking for Mr. Incredible she forgot to be Incredible.
I recently went out with a gal who I thought was really nice. I was attracted to her and I was kind of trying to figure out where she was at. We’d had 3 dates where I had paid for drinks and nice meals and we both had plenty of time over a month to find out neither one of us was a texting stalker or anything like that.
I received a text from her to some question I’d asked that was interesting and told me a lot about her. She said she’d tried to figure a way to tell me in as short of an answer as she could think of. To answer my question without seeming crass and in a short summation o f her remarks she said she wasn’t just looking for “ordinary” or “ok” , but she was looking for “incredible” and had basically settled herself into being fine with being single until it came along. She was very interested in being taken care of and in someone who was loyal.
Of course who isn’t? The more important thing I begin to ask is, “ Was I “incredible” to her?”; and I came to the conclusion I wasn’t. I’d been on three dates, been a gentleman, paid for everything and she was eager to do more on the premise that she was ‘slow’ or in other words wasn’t a ‘slut’.
I came to the conclusion she was a meal-whore based on the fact that after all we had done together, all the past we had shared of each other’s lives, she had not initiated a single date or invite, never invited me over to cook or invited me to a meal if cooking wasn’t her forte. More than the aforementioned, the biggest factor leading to this conclusion was every engagement of communication was initiated by me. I never once received a single text from her out of the blue or out of that context. That was a big sign to me of hers that read “it’s my way or the highway”, to me.
Indeed it was a “one way road” I was paving for her. In her “quest” for incredible and not mediocre she was indeed forgetting to be anything but incredible by any stretch of the imagination and I finally just got tired of building and working so hard on my side of the road for her.
Sometimes guys are working so hard, paying for everything, opening doors, not expecting sex, and basically making sure the lady knows that you respect her as women so as to impress her that he’s not the “typical jerk” she divorced, they forget to stand still and “wait to be impressed”?
It’s not so nontraditional to cook a meal for a guy or just invite him over for a quiet evening to enjoy his company instead of his wallet. I call this a missing “Wow” feature because if she’s not equally trying to “Wow” you with something more than “make-up”, “hair and nails”, and “clothes” she heaps up as evidence of interest, you’re dealing with gas tank that always takes and doesn’t give much in return.
There are a lot of ‘takers’ in the single world of women, and the ‘giver’s’ are definitely rare. It kind of makes me miss the good ole days of Sati- Hawkins when the girl actually became clever in roping her date but it sure made you know she liked and appreciated you every bit as much as you did her. Marriage is terrible if it is a one way road all the time which is why most successful marriages never quit the courting process and why every time I was married I certainly never gave up on that part of it myself.
BEWARE of Deception
While the ladies might complain fiercely about their not being any “gentlemen” out there anymore, one of the biggest tragedies happening is plain old deception.
The biggest one I’ve found on dating sites is the tragedy of “the old picture”, or “one picture”. I recently arranged a meet n greet with a gal who had a really pretty face and had extended some effort in reaching out. I was suspicious she only had one picture though and my suspicions were confirmed when her admission to a few extra pounds turned out to be a whopping 250 pounds of extra overweight “Yea”!
Another ‘meet n greet’ I went on was incredibly mind blowing as I met my date who was at least 15 years older than her picture and her representation of age. That didn’t bother as much as her dating profile saying she didn’t smoke but witnessing her “stop smoking” program that lasted every 15 minutes.
Of course I could have run from both of these dates at the meeting place, but I chose to just embrace the experience as the bigger person, but I paid for it too. They both had wonderful personalities and I thoroughly enjoyed talking with them like I do any of my friends. The problem is I have friends who have been friends much longer then they had been ‘my friend’ and who are still waiting for me to buy rather than go stag, or Dutch, or whatever you wanna call ‘paying’ for your own meal.
These gals both had it figured out and their best answer to bolting without offering to pay half was, “they’d buy next time”. Of course it’s up to every guy’s own limitations as to how many of those he’ll go through and to what extent he’ll be that part of a “gentleman” that graciously pays for the meal.
Ownership & The Jealous Page
In several instances I’ve found a strange phenomenon taking place in the “dating scene” that is certainly not traditional or what I call the new “ownership” and “jealous page”. This is where the girl takes “ownership” of you after one date. Whatever her justification is the traditional “going out” stage, “getting engaged” stage, and “married stage” has been compressed like a zip disc.
Its quite a strange thing to understand in a women’s mind after one or two dates that your status has risen to the point of “husband” and you didn’t even get a chance to enjoy the ‘dating’ or ‘engagement’ stages of a relationship.
I often find that with these ladies are indeed, “easy come, easy go”, because all they have to do is see you going out with another girl, or posting a picture on your facebook of that “slut”, who you actually would consider inviting ice-skating on a date with her as a friend and she’s filed for divorce and won’t go out with you again.
How in the world will you ever come home from the office again without having bent the secretaries all over the desk, or how will you ever go to the grocery store without having done the bagger behind the meat counter with this lady?
Believe me, insecurity in the best looking women is still their ability to turn into a witch and screw you in ways you’d never dreamt of yet. One would hope that marriage actually meant more to a women then a ‘dog-collar’, but to this kind of a women, its just a tag of ownership rather than a mutual respect of each other’s needs.
There’s a million ways to sniff this out of a women, but once you catch a whiff of it keep in mind that can of “whoop-ass” is something that can bring down half your kingdom faster than the garbage man can pick up and empty trash cans. I’ve seen three of my kingdoms wiped out and the next time I get married it sure as heck won’t be because we plan on their being any reason under the sun that it’s predicated upon, because if there is a reason its predicated upon other then love, there’s a reason for it to come undone and I just as soon sit that marriage out.
In summation I’d like to just touch on a little story that has covered a lot of ground the last few days. Its about a
Bishop who dressed up like a ‘Bum’ and had a professional make-up job done so he wasn’t recognized by his own congregation. I laughed a little about many asking him to leave or threatening to call the cops from his own Church.
It kind of reminded me of the story of Mel Dumar who lived just down the street from me as a kid who picked up Howard Hughes as a lowly hitch-hiker. So often today judgments are indeed made simply on the cover of the book, or the quickie news report that takes about one minute to read. Of course we have to make many ‘snap’ judgments in everyday life but rarely do those turn out to be the kind that pays off eternally.
At the risk of sounding again ‘cliché’ , beauty is not always skin deep and actions often speak louder than words. In the singles world what people write about themselves and the pictures they post on the internet, does not always represent the complete picture that is painted in the vibrant personal meeting over dinner, or in the picture God sees of us. Being ‘judged’ as having a bad cover without giving the book a good reading or a chance can lead to the biggest embarrassment of regret as people reflected and in tears recalled in that Church how they had treated that ‘bum’ or what words they had last spoke.
That LDS Bishop who dressed up in front of his own congregation and saw how ugly the superficial skin deep world was definitely received a testimony that beauty wasn’t skin deep and that beauty on the outside didn’t necessarily mean ‘ugly’ on the inside didn’t exist. That should challenge us all as Christians to look into the facts, read the good book, and pray for the understanding not to make decisions that will embarrass us in front of God later on, when the Lord’s disguise is removed and he reveals himself in each and every one of us. Reminds me of asking the Lord in Matt 25: 37-40 “When did we visit you in prison, when did we feed you, when did we give you drink or care for you in sickness?” and the Lord saying, “In as much as you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me”.
Hope you enjoy my newest song
Winter Walk.
On a personal Family note: Speaking of Perils and Pitfalls,I'd like to express my gratitude for your prayers as we learned today just about 1pm, that my Mom Ali Judy
has just received news that her lymph node in her back has doubled in size the last 30 days. She went through a year of chemo therapy about 2 years ago and has been cancer free but it looks like its back. I'll post more about this later. In the mean time, well, its kind of a sad day for our family and I appreciate so much those who do send their prayers in our behalf. God Bless you and thank you for that.
Cody Robert Judy
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